"let people misunderstand you"

and other things i am not good at*

*Other things I’m not good at include: making scrambled eggs, logistics/details of most kinds, Mario Party, sitting at a desk, washing my face consistently, and apologizing first.

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OK so lately I’ve been examining my (tired & boring) habit of basing my opinion of myself on other people’s perceptions of me. Especially the negative ones. And wow does my brain like to catastrophize!

Picture this:

Someone says to me: “Thanks, but we’re passing on this.”

My brain suggests: “See?? Everyone thinks I suck, and that must be right because everyone thinks it.”

You’ll notice that no one said I sucked. And one person cannot possibly definitively speak for all people. But unfortunately, my brain doesn’t vibe with neutrality. I need to be liked. And not in the benign “I hope people think I’m cool and/or interesting” way. In the crippling “I am definitely terrible if even one person in the world does not like me or has any negative memories of or associations with me, at all” way. It’s an impossible brand of perfectionism! My brain tells me that I have to say the exact right things and make the exact right decisions, or else.

And for me, a big part of being liked is being understood.

Some situations where I feel misunderstood:

• When someone half-heartedly laughs because they aren’t sure what I said

• The family Christmas letter

• Relaying my millions of food allergies to restaurant staff

• Instagram comments

It isn’t possible to be completely, totally, 100% on-the-same-page understood by literally everyone you interact with. First and luckily: we all have different brains! And second: it’s just impractical - imagine the effort/time/resources it would take. Yes, there is a person out there who, while out on their morning walk, saw you not pick up your dog’s poop (because you forgot the bags!!) that one time. And yes, that person walked by before they had the opportunity to watch you find suitable trash scraps to deal with the situation (which you did). Yes, in that moment, they probably thought you were the kind of person who doesn’t pick up their dog’s poop. And yes, it is possible that they might think of this incident in the future.

But what would be the plan here - chase them down to explain? Good news! There’s no need to chase anyone down. Because all of us have these gross-feeling moments where we’re not seen how we’d like to be. We’re all just out here trying to explain ourselves/find what we like/move on from what we don’t.

Literally say this out loud:

It’s okay if someone misunderstands me (really)

It’s okay if someone doesn’t like me (really)

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some notable (and less notable) things

• Cold canned peaches = an incredible snack.

• The smartest person I know

  josie duffy rice
  's new podcast Unreformed launches this week. Unreformed is the story of how a reform school derailed the lives of thousands of Black children in Alabama for decades, and what happened after five girls found someone willing to blow the whistle.

• Otie has taken to trying to order his own pup cup at any drive through we go through. He climbs into the front seat and intently stares at whoever happens to be in the drive through window until they’re like “um, does your dog want a pup cup?”. ~30% success rate.

• From Abortion, Every Day by Jessica Valenti

  A new study published in the journal Archives of Women’s Mental Health shows that having an abortion causes significant less mental distress than going through with an unwanted pregnancy or putting a child up for adoption. This adds to the vast existing research showing the negative impacts of denying women abortions.

• I watched the 1997 movie Clockwatchers and recommend that you do the same, particularly if you (like me) are in a phase where you just don’t want to see any cell phones while you’re trying to relax. This might be the beginning of a movies from 1997 series.

  

  Lisa Kudrow! Toni Collette! Alanna Ubach! Parker Posey!

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Add your answer to our shared Monday thread: small complaints - we’re discussing the worst “not that bad” bad experiences.

relatedly:

If you answered no please leave your answer in the comments!!

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weekly abortion affirmation

You don’t need a specific reason to have abortions.

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praise for Baking by Feel

“Not only is every recipe I have made from this book flawless and delicious, but the feelings entries with each recipe feel like a hug in the form of the written word. As a stress baker, I feel seen AND supported, and I have amazing snacks to go with it.”

“A solid cookbook, even if you aren't into the feelings part. I did enjoy reading the extra sections about various feelings, but I could just as easily skip those parts and have a fun cookbook to work from.”

“Although I’ve only made a few recipes from this, I’m already obsessed. They all sound so yummy and I am so excited to dive in. I am a stress baker so this new approach of a cookbook that takes that into consideration is refreshing and just feels right. I feel like I’m reading a good friends book or recipes. Directions so far are very easy to follow. I’m looking forward to trying all of these sweet treats in 2023.”

the burgeoning bakers!!

ask me if I cried after reading this

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baking tip of the week

If you don’t have cake flour on hand you can make your own with two ingredients! First: measure out 1 cup (130g) of all-purpose flour. Remove 2 tablespoons of the all-purpose flour, then add 2 tablespoons of cornstarch. Pass the mixture through a sifter or fine-mesh sieve to combine.

Note: We use cake flour when we’re looking for a really soft and fluffy crumb. It’s usually not a good idea to swap in cake flour when the recipe calls for all-purpose flour—those recipes might need the stronger structure from the higher protein content of all-purpose flour!

tip adapted from Baking by Feel

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my current fave pic of Otie:

this mask is my fave possession

xoxo,

your favorite becca

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things that permanently live at the bottom of my posts:

Submit your secrets/sparkly moments here.

If you need help accessing abortion care, click here or here.

Grab a copy of my choose-your-own-adventure cookbook, Baking by Feel, here!