how to talk to your family about abortion

a holiday guide (+ my pumpkin pie bar recipe)

Nov 27, 2024

If you’re like me, you’ll be spending at least part of your holiday talking about abortion. Psst: you can totally do this while you’re doing other things, like eating pie. But even when we want to have these conversations with our loved ones, it can still be really hard. So let’s prep!

First, I want you to know that it’s not your job to convince anyone. You can always leave the conversation. You do not have to listen to someone insult you or people you love. But if this conversation feels safe for you to have, let’s plan for some different scenarios, anticipating common questions/points of pushback.

Your 16 year old cousin who’s never heard anyone talk about people who have abortions in a positive way will be listening.
Your sister says she’s pro-choice but doesn’t get why you have to talk about it all the time.
You have already staunchly pro-abortion aunties and want to figure out a way to help people who have abortions.
You want to talk about your abortions.

Whether your goal is to plant a seed, give support, or just shut down your obnoxious anti-abortion uncle’s weird ramblings, here’s some talking points to help. If there’s something you don’t know, that’s OK. You don’t have to have all of the answers in order to be a wonderful advocate for people who have abortions.

Set the narrative yourself

People love to come in hot with the stigma, and it’s easy to get caught up in a defensive position right off the bat. So let’s start by rejecting the stigma outright! Abortion is very common. Currently, between 15 and 20 percent of all pregnancies in the United States end in abortion1. All kinds of people have abortions for all kinds of reasons. 1 in 4 women in the U.S. will have an abortion in their lifetime2, and 1% of people who have abortions are trans masc or nonbinary3. The majority of people who have abortions are already parents4. I trust people to make the best decisions for their themselves and their families. There’s nothing wrong with abortion, or with people who have them.

An abortion is the termination of a pregnancy. A spontaneous abortion is when a pregnancy ends on its own, also called a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. An induced abortion is when a person intentionally ends a pregnancy. Note: We don’t use the terms “elective” or “therapeutic abortion” anymore because they’re stigmatizing and not medically accurate. Spontaneous and induced abortions are very medically similar. Pregnancies end in abortion for people who do not want to be pregnant, and they also end in abortion for people who want to remain pregnant but can’t. Abortion is a normal and essential part of reproductive healthcare. It is very safe, with a major complication rate of less than 1%5.

Did you know that 95% of people who have abortions report that they made the right decision for themselves 5 years later6? I believe in bodily autonomy, and it’s just not up to us or the state to determine when having an abortion is OK.

Sample conversations

“I don’t care what anyone else does, but I would never have an abortion myself.”

Hmm, OK, but it’s definitely okay if you ever do! It’s pretty hard to know what any of us would do in this kind of hypothetical situation. I like to keep the focus on what helps people who have abortions the most, which is unconditional support without judgment. It’s just not necessary to draw this kind of distinction. (watch my video about this here!)

“Miscarriages are different. No laws ban miscarriage care. That’s only if you just want to have an abortion.”

Whether someone is having a miscarriage or an abortion, the medical treatment is the same. Abortion bans make it more difficult and dangerous for all pregnant people to access care. Have you heard about Josseli Barnica, Nevaeh Crain, or Porsha Ngumezi? They are all women who died after being denied medical care during a miscarriage because of abortion bans. Any kind of restriction on abortion care is very dangerous for all pregnant people. (here’s a great resource with more info on the different ways pregnancies can end)

“Is there a time limit to when abortion isn’t OK? There has to be, right?”

Okay so, I think this just isn’t the right question. This line of thinking stigmatizes people who have abortions and shames people who support us, through guilt and emotional manipulation about a shocking hypothetical scenario instead of reality. A better question is: how can I work to make sure everyone has access to the care they need? Any restriction on abortion care is unnecessary, harmful, and puts all pregnant people at risk. It’s not up to us, or the state, to determine when having abortions is okay or not okay. There are tons of reasons people need abortions later in pregnancy. Some of those reasons are: being unable to access care because you live in one of the 41 states that restricts or bans abortion care, not being able to afford to take time off work/find childcare/drive hundreds of miles to the clinic/pay, being tricked and delayed by anti-abortion fake clinics, not realizing you are pregnant until later in pregnancy, finding out that the pregnancy is not progressing in a healthy way, having difficulty accessing a judicial bypass if you are under the age of 18, and many more reasons. All of these reasons are valid. People who have later abortions deserve our unconditional support and care.

“Well, someone can be against abortion but still be pro-choice.”

Hmm, not exactly! Because it’s not just about if someone is technically allowed to have abortions (we are always allowed to have abortions, regardless of legality). We deserve more. We should be able to actually access them, without judgment or fear of being ostracized by our communities. Have I told you why I use the term pro-abortion? (watch my video about this here)

"Abortion is always a difficult choice. And it is always traumatic.”

Option 1: Everyone’s abortion experience is different, but it wasn’t for me! I knew right away that I wanted to have an abortion. Being pregnant when I didn’t want to be was so, so much worse than having an abortion.

Option 2: Everyone’s abortion experience is different, so there’s no way to make that kind of blanket statement. But the most commonly reported emotion after having an abortion is actually relief7! All emotions people experience after having abortions are valid.

“If people have sex, they should have to deal with the consequences.”

Wait - it’s totally OK to have sex! Having a child is not the price of/punishment for pleasure. Neither is shame. People know the right decision for themselves and I respect that decision - no matter what it is. You don’t need a particular set of circumstances to “deserve” an abortion.

“This isn’t really dinner table appropriate conversation.”

We’ve been taught that talking about abortion is inherently shameful, and something that we have to keep hidden. But I just don’t feel the need to do that anymore! I’ve been so inspired by others sharing their abortion stories. It’s made me realize that talking about abortion can be very normal, and we don’t need to buy into all that shaming stuff. I like that people feel comfortable talking to me about this topic - I know that you like to make people feel comfortable too, Mom.

“I don’t even know anyone who’s had an abortion.”

That might seem true, but it’s only because of the stigma that makes people feel isolated and ashamed. In fact, everyone loves someone who’s had an abortion - even if you don’t know about it. And if you want to really drop the hammer: Well, you know me.

How to deal with the “what-ifs/gotchas”

Sometimes people will throw out extreme scenarios to try to get an emotional reaction or distract/confuse you. In that scenario, I find it best to focus on the basics: it’s not up to us or the state to decide when or how someone can access abortion care. We deserve high quality care, in our communities, no matter what. I trust people who have abortions!

You can remind them that this issue is about real people - people that you care about. It’s not an intellectual exercise. And finally: you don’t have to debate anyone. I don’t care if your cousin did high school debate in 2006.

Support roles (unrelatedly, I suggest this Parkerhouse Roll recipe)

You don’t have to lead the convo. If someone else is talking about it, it’s so valuable to validate and affirm what they’re saying. A simple “That’s a great way to put it”, or “Yes, you’re exactly right” goes a long way.

Also: interrupt that rude ass uncle if you want to. Feel free to say “that kind of language contributes to stigma, I actually say ____ instead”.

If you want to talk about your abortion, I’m so proud of you! But: you’re under absolutely no obligation to share your abortion story with anyone, ever. I’m proud of you either way.

Some ideas for helping people who have abortions

Become a recurring donor to your local abortion fund (directory here) or practical support organization (directory here).
Share information about abortion pills - I suggest the Plan C website
Learn about digital safety
Bookmark INeedAnA.com
Talk about abortion. Refuse to participate in stigmatizing narratives.

Resources

Here’s my regularly updated list of trusted abortion resources. You’ll find info on how to find care, abortion pills, legal support/safety, financial/practical support, emotional support, and helplines. Peruse at your leisure! I also made yard signs that link to them via QR code.

And here’s the recipe for my Pumpkin Pie Bars from my cookbook Baking By Feel. Just trust me!