What’s Keeping Us Up at Night

A portrait of our collective anxiety

Mar 13, 2025

Welcome to my advice column, Okay, So…! Always thoughtful, sometimes funny, never judgmental. This definitely isn’t a tough-love type of column, and I’m not going boss you around (I mean, maybe occasionally). I definitely don’t have all the answers, but man do I love to solve problems that aren’t mine.

I want to talk about: big & small feelings, your pettiest dramas, relationships of all kinds, the general messiness and complexity of being alive, and whatever else you want to talk about.

You can expect: long and short answers, practice conversations, strong opinions about how no one should ever be mean to you. I’m thinking of it as an extension of Secrets & Sparkles. Submit your advice requests here.

Some themes this week: loneliness, financial/job insecurity, existential dread, fear for our children, health anxiety, overwhelm, the rise of fascism, loss of control, lack of power, systemic failures, is this it?

Dear Becca, I’m worried about:

We were supposed to make the world better, not worse.
I am lonely and scared every day.
I’m scared I wasn’t meant to be a mom and that I’ll always feel this way (I have a 4-month old)
I don’t think I’m on the right career path
I’m pregnant after a miscarriage and I’m so scared I’m going to get bad news again.
What if we don’t get justice or global liberation/we are just stuck/oppressed.
It’s so hard to know what to do or how to change things that are so big.
I worry that my partner will never be able to love me the way I need.
Never making enough money to feel comfortable having kids.
I think I am going to end my 4 year relationship. He has a ring he won’t use.
I just started therapy and she is younger than me and I don’t know if I can look past that.
I have 2 young girls and am terrified for their (and all of our) futures in this country
Husband wants a second baby and I’m content with just one. So worried this is going to be a dealbreaker.
That I’m going to burn out in high school and not do anything with my life.
Am I being stupid in visiting him (friend, semi-situationship)? I really miss him.
Constantly been paranoid that I’m ill bc of emetaphobia.
I’m dying to leave my job. Scared I won’t get the dream job I interviewed for.
*Gestures broadly*
If I don’t win my SA court case against my ex employer I’m scared I’ll never get over it.
The scary state of the country and the unraveling of everything.
Have court against my abuser next week. So incredibly anxious.
The scary state of the country and the unraveling of everything
My dad is 88, our days are numbered and it won’t be enough. Anticipatory grief.
I just quit a job I really like for one I’m not so sure about. Freaking out and crying a lot.
I’m worried I’ll never have a good relationship with food.
I’m so broke. I don’t know what to do.
I’m having my tubes removed tomorrow. Right decision for me! Still nervous.
Parenting two littles while the country falls apart feels…surreal
As an educator, wtf is happening right now
I’m worried it’s too complicated to make it work
I work as a govt contractor and I may lost my job. I don’t have savings bc debt and I’m scared.
I work in higher education & fear the dept of ed going away
I’m 36 and worried that I’ll never be financially stable
My grandma is at risk of losing everything if they remove social security.
I’m worried I won’t be able to get my baby all her vaccines before an outbreak
I wish someone else could just take control of my life for the next year. I’m so tired.
I might have an STD and I feel so guilty and stupid because I might’ve given it to my friends.
That my best friend’s kid is going to be taken by their abusive ex
Women will suffer in abusive relationships because they weren’t able to get an abortion.
Pretty sure I don’t like my boyfriend but I had been single for so long so it’s felt like time.
I’m leaving the country for a year and leaving behind my elderly grandparents and dogs.
I’m worried I’ll never find love or connect with someone again the way I did with my ex.
Worried the US is in the - flee the country - stage and that I’m going to be too late to go
I could lose my job very soon bc of new admin don’t know what I’ll do
Teaching is so overwhelming. I feel like very other area of my life has no room for struggle.
4 years w/ an amazing partner who loves me so well, but I don’t feel the same anymore.
I worry my family is never going to care for my daughter and be her village.
I have to give a eulogy and I’m nervous
I’m low income and I’m having a baby in September
Worried I’ll make the wrong choice.
That USAID collapsing will allow for millions of deaths
My state job ends on May 2nd and I have nothing lined up afterwards
Worried ppl are going to catch on that I’m not as good at my job as they think I am
I wish I could’ve put off telling my mom I might have cancer. She’s caring but neurotic.
Did I already experience all the love that was meant for me? I’m yearning for more.
Fed employee and 8 months pregnant. Everything is awful, trying to not stress for baby.
My wife goes to prison or worse for being trans.
I got a soft offer for a job yesterday and today they announced a hiring freeze.
What’s going to happen between Canada and the US?? As a Canadian, I’m upset!
Getting married this week and worried I’m focusing on all the wrong things.
I’m moving out after 18 years with my partner. I’m really nervous.
I’m so worried about everything.
My partner owes back taxes and I am so stressed with/for him.
That I’m not strong or brave or energetic enough to stand up to all the injustices
My trans partner and I live in a red state and I’m terrified of the future.
I want to go to medical school, but afraid of the cost and debt and sacrificing family time.
I’m worried that I’m not cut out for engineering and that I will lose my job because of ADHD.
Living the rest of my life without my parents. I’m 29 and they’ve both passed.
Me & my best friend are fighting & idk if we’re going to resolve and my heart is broken.
My older brother is in the hospital with a serious infection & is having surgery.
I’m a bit worried I’m taking on too much but I want to be a part of the world again!
My student loans, never owning a home, never having a family of my own.
Impending divorce, my life is turned upside down.
I am worried about how fast this is all going to shit. Considering moving to another country.
Visiting my community in DC after moving and losing my job, and…wow things are bad.
I worry that in my attempts to make life fun I’ll miss the warning signs to flee with my child.
I feel like the whole world is falling apart and I have no one to go through it with.
Scared that the gov will block access to my NB partner’s hormones someday soon.
My partner is a fed & I’m worried losing his job will delay us starting a family by years.
What the f is this year, between personal and the gov I would like a refund.
I’ve been out of work for 2 months. I’ve almost maxed out my cards now.
Please someone hire me. I need a job.
I think I have an eating disorder. I self harm but I don’t think it’s valid as self harm.
Do I want a divorce or am I just anxious
I’m worried that my mum friends don’t actually like me and just like that our kids get along.
I hate how lonely I am. I hate that it makes me feel like a pathetic excuse for a human.
That I’m going to lose my safe place, my best friend, because I can’t forgive them
Unemployed for 11 months and feel so lost
Insurance has initially denied my $96,000 labor and delivery claim
My bf (29) behaves like a teenager and I’m afraid to end the relationship bc I don’t want to break his heart.
I’ll never get pregnant again
I just got engaged and I love my fiance more than anything but I’m afraid to get married.
My chance to enjoy being a mother in the future is over because HOW *gestures wildly*
That I’m not going to gain clarity on the career path I want to take.
Just found out I might not be able to move out of my trans phobic state this year after all.
I worry that someone I love will die unexpectedly the next days…and I feel so anxious
I’m really mad at my best friend and it’s hard to handle…she doesn’t know.
I just found out I have PMDD & feel so defeated - Dr. trying to put me on birth control.
I’m having a baby to the wrong man (are all men the wrong man?)
Can I bring a child into the world like this
Ugh. The death of democracy.
Out dog of 10 years had a heart attack and we had to put her down I feel so guilty
I’m really worried about finding an apartment to rent, I have terrible credit.
29, living paycheck to paycheck + support from parents. No house or kids. Uncertain future.
I work Title 1 (federal$) I worry every day that the students I serve will have their resources taken away.
I’m worried that I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel with PPAD
My care insurance went up for no other reason than inflation, I feel so stressed about it.
I’m worried I’ll never be satisfied with where I choose to live long term.
I’m terrified this administration is going to ban/outlaw/take away contraception.
I’m worried I’ll say something to my crush that crosses a boundary (I’m married).
*Gestures vaguely* EVERYTHING
I’ll only be tolerated and not truly loved
I am poly and my husband is not and I’m worried I’ll die unfulfilled.
I’m worried I’ll go into labour early, before everything is prepared & ready for baby #2
I’m worried for my peace. Now and in the not so distant future.
Will we ever get out of survival mode
I’m worried sick for our public lands
I’m worried I’ll die young, before doing and seeing all the things I want to
I’m worried I’m falling back into a co-dependent relationship with my sister again
I’m worried my health won’t improve despite the work I’m putting in
6 weeks pregnant but can’t enjoy it bc so nervous it won’t stick
I don’t have insurance so I don’t have a prescription for the pill. Luckily Costco sells an otc option.
Fiance is a DEI director. We’re planning a wedding. Should be a happy time, but I’m scared, mad.
I’m flying on Friday - and I wasn’t a nervous flyer before the second Trump admin.
That this admin will be the reason I go no contact w family bc their full embrace of bigotry.
We’re having our 3rd child but haven’t told either of our families because they will be upset with us
I’m moving into my own place soon and I don’t know if I’ll be able to consistently afford it.
I’m starting a new job and it pays less than I’m used to, but I’m able to take my kids. I’m worried abt $
I found out I’m pregnant after 3 abortions. I’m scared something will go wrong
I’m scared to get pregnant in this country right now. My plan is being rocked.
I’m worried my boyfriend isn’t missing me while I’m on a work trip
Idk what’s happening with student loans but if mine don’t get forgiven I won’t be able to afford to have kids.
My ex obtained an IP to protect the nude drawings he posts of me on ig. I’m not well.
Almost done 6 years of school towards being a teacher and I wish I did something more fun.
Turning 35 this year and can’t make up my mind about kids or no kids.
What are we going to do with the DOE shut down? My kid is 3.
If I have another baby rn is that the dumbest thing ever???
When I go into crowds, I can’t help but think ‘you probably voted in this dickhead’
Th dog I’m dog sitting is sick
Got laid off due to fed bullshit and anxious about the job hunt.
I’m worried about the world my two daughters are going to have to grow up in
I’m getting an IUD, I didn’t want/need one. But I’m scared of not having the option.
I moved in with my partner - he’s the love of my life but the adjustment has still been hard.
Raising my daughter with less bodily autonomy than I have had…also fascism.
I’m worried that the flirty vibes I feel from my crush is just my own delulu
Time is passing so fast
That the world is imploding
I’ve been crying today about the fact that a liberal Christian is abnormal
I’m worried I’ve outgrown my relationship of nearly 4 years
That my mortgage loan won’t be approved and I’ll let my family down
I’ve recently discovered I’m bi. I’m worried if I want to marry a woman I won’t be able to.
I’m afraid that if I go into law I’ll be a sellout.
I always feel like I’m getting fired 24/7. Literal fight or flight every day.
I am so good at my job, but I get imposter syndrome all the time.
I have 14 girls coming to my house for a bachelorette party in 24 hours and I’m so sick!
7 weeks pregnant with my 1st, unplanned but not unexpected, and moving w/ my husb to HI in August.
I worry that I will never be able to afford more than my studio apt for me and my daughter
That I will never find “my person” / never have the family I so desperately want.
Colposcopy tomorrow
If my husband doesn’t find a better paying job, we can’t afford another baby.
So emotional after a medical procedure and scared the feels are never going to stop.
Worried I’ll never know a life beyond paycheck to paycheck
I worry that I will turn into my mother
Money woes, IVF stress
I can’t write my thesis and my life is ruined
Worried my partner’s mental health needs to be his full time job & we’re broke w/ a 5 mo old.
Today I have to see my mother who I cut off a year ago. I’m so scared.
Want to leave job bc of stress, but worry I’m giving up too easily/should keep pushing
I feel like I’m letting myself down by not asking for what I deserve in a relationship
I’m worried that I won’t be able to get pregnant and it’ll make me a jealous and bitter woman
My mat leave is ending and I’m so scared to leave my baby
Those in charge disintegrate the economy, to the point that my skill set is unemployable.
I’m scared to commit a year of my life to applying to law school and not get in
I’m a federal worker and I’m afraid of being laid off.
If my husband loves me.
Losing my job.
I’ve got so much to be grateful for and yet I’m bored and tired of it all.
I’m expecting my second child and I’m so anxious.
My job is federally funded. Been told to keep working but no one knows what to expect.
Job security as a single mom bc of dep of ed layoffs
Just left a 3 year relationship & have my first new date tonight but idk who I am anymore
Every day I worry about my mom dying
Feeling really numb and desperate.
Palestine
Worrying about climate change, and rising fascism around the globe.
I’m 10 weeks pregnant and have 0 baby fever
Waiting to see if husband loses fed job (our only income). We’re posted abroad & have no place to go.
I’m 23, my mom died last month and I just started a new job and I feel out of my depth.
My friends are carrying on like everything is normal…all of this is not normal. I feel powerless.
My husband is so depressed it makes me super sad for me and our son.
Raising a daughter in this country was scary before all of this, now it’s insane.
I feel so hopeless about all that is going on rn.
Feel powerless & hopeless for our world & the future even w lots of good in my life
My work is consistently cutting budgeting hours for our teams and it’s driving me insane.
I’m worried that I’m going to lose my job
So worried my best friend will never forgive me and I’ll lose her.
Worried about my mom dying. What do you do without your mom???
I’m in love with my friend. He’s visiting me next month, I’m nervous I’ll get attached again.
Congress trying to cut the DC local budget just to do harm
My whole family would rather die than admit they were wrong about Trump
Free speech is going down the toilet
I broke my ankle on a spring break trip to Miami. I’m trying to do nursing clinical now with it. And it sucks. I hate not being able to walk and asking everyone for help.
I’m a fed gov’t employee who lost their job because of Trump. I’m sick with worry over $$
I might be a lesbian, though I’mi n a long term relationship with a man.
I’m so worried life is gonna keep being hard. My dad got cancer then so did my dog.
Applying for a job that would solve my financial problems. So nervous.
I graduate in May and I haven’t had any luck finding a job.
I have to stop my drumming lessons but I’m scared bc idk who I am if I don’t play an instrument.
I feel like I’m not accomplishing enough in life and can’t stop comparing myself to others
I’m a trans man, but I’m afraid of my transition
The company I work for is laying ppl off like crazy - I’m 25 single and scared
What if moving in is the wrong decision?
Worried that life is moving too fast when I haven’t found satisfaction in my career yet
Why did I bring a precious child into this crazy world?!
I just got fired and I have no idea what I’m going to do
How do we save this sinking ship of a country?
I worry I will never find my people. I am always used for my kindness then disposed of.
I was laid off due to the foreign aid freeze and I’m scared I won’t find something new.
That the US is so shit I won’t be able to safely have a baby.
I am turning 35 next month, single, in crushing student debt, and the world is burning.
The state of my mental health is hurting my loved ones and I worry it’s too much to deal with
If I reach out he’ll hate me, if I don’t I’ll hate me
About money.
A change of career that might be drastic
Worried I’m not doing enough to be social and build community as an introvert
How the world is going to be for my children. Wtf is going on.
Worried what the US will look like in 4 years
Worried about the state of my mental health & about the upcoming recession.
My BFF’s partner is turning her MAGA. I love her & am trying to help, but she will choose him.
Trump is turning the white house into a fucking Tesla dealership. AHHHHH
How will we make it through the next 4 years
I’m worried I passed my mental illness onto my boys
I recently lost my job and I’m fearful I won’t find a good one
My 3.5yo needs to be potty trained by Aug. She has no interested. Scared to force it.
Are the downs in our marriage’s ups and downs too often, too severe?
I’m worried I’ve grown emotionally too fast for my partner
Will I ever be able to get pregnant again? Can we afford IVF? What if I need an abortion
I’m worried my boyfriend is slipping into a depression and I don’t know how to help him.
Not enough people seem to care that we’re quickly falling into a fascist state
Will my little queer family be safe much longer?
I am in the hospital and may die at the grand age of 21.
Had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. Then couldn’t conceive again. Now scared to try w Trump etc.
I know joy is important but it feels kinda hopeless to be getting married this year
Unemployed and drifting…part of me wants to sell what I can and move to the west coast.
I’m worried I won’t be able to break the cycles I was born into
I had a panic attack when I got to work and had to leave after only being there for 20 minutes.
I just want to feel safe again.
Really hoping I can accomplish something impactful before performance reviews
I’m having a CT scan to check for brain masses. I’m terrified that I may already know the results.
I’m a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding and I have never felt worse about my body
Unemployed since Sept almost out of UI. Had no interviews. No job yet. Have savings, still scary!!!!
My dog needs surgery and I have NO idea how I’m going to pay for it. She’s 2 & my world.
I’m recovering from psychosis and wonder if I’ll ever be a functioning person again
Grad school stress. Impending what feels like the end of the world stress. Just a LOT…
I wish I could reprogram MAGA folks but it’s hard when the programming is in full swing
Worried about finding a job and finding the RIGHT job as well
I worry that my partner isn’t the right fit - feel guilty since they speak highly of us/nice to me
I’ve been chasing my dream job for years & I’m getting tired…but I feel very depressed in the other jobs
I’m scared I won’t be able to find a good paying job because everyone is also getting laid off like I did
Abortion care provider in the UK - very very worried about spread of anti-choice sentiment
Worried my emerging trans experience is becoming too niche for cis women friends + they are not engaging w/ me because they don’t know what to say about The Horrors
I get married next weekend. I love him but scared we aren’t that compatible.
I live in the Midwest and have severe storm anxiety. And storm season is here.
The fear that the USA is going to invade Canada is real. Heavy and stressful.
The economy will turn past the point that I can scrimp and save, and then I’ll just be transient.
New car wiped out savings for a home. Scared of rent increases. Income too low to make up for it.
What’s happening in the US scares me.
I want a baby but my husband isn’t ready to try to conceive. Also how will we manage for money?!
I’ve been unemployed since September 1 + I have to move by the end of July
My neighbors are being taken by ICE, calling, reporting, handing out cards NOT enough
I’m worried I’ll be uncertain about everything for the rest of my life.
That I will hit menopause without the TTC experience my heart wants
Working on my mental health but fear pharma side effects & having impacts on my partner
In breast cancer treatment & now I’ve scored a 5/5 for ovarian cancer - I need a break
My business is having a hard month with sales and I’m TERRIFIED I’m going to tank due to economy
I’m worried about losing my job for being out with Crohn’s disease
I’m worried about life moving so quickly around me
3mo pp but secretly hoping for a surprise pregnancy any time (did IVF first time) - unlikely
Will we ever purchase our own home
I’m so scared about the US right now and everyone makes me feel like I’m crazy for it
‘Friend’ scolded me for saying Mahmoud Khalil’s arrest is illegal. That I was hurtful.
I’ve had PTSD my whole life and seen therapists for 16 years and I am losing hope I will ever get better
What if my second marriage doesn’t work out either
Does my child actually like her dad more or is it just cuz he has the privilege of fun
What if I’m actually a really bad artists and no one has told me
I have 2 little daughters…I worry so much about the world they’ll grow up in, sometimes I can’t breathe.
I’m 6w into a medically complex pregnancy & even in a blue state I’m scared!
Having a baby this summer but more specifically having a baby in this country
Pouring everything into a dream that might never come to fruition is TERRIFYING.
The weight of all the terribleness…It just crashes down.
I teach. I hold it in all day - I’m strong for my kids. Then it hits incredibly hard when at home.
I’ll never get pregnant. I don’t know how I’ll move past not being a mother.
Been with my partner ten years and I’m worried we’ve grown apart
I’m studying abroad right now & I hope I have enough money to last me til May! Stressed.
Relationship of 7+ years ended almost 1 yr ago and I’m worried that was it for me. So tired.
Also the state of the world rn.
What if nobody will ever love me as much as I love them
My husband is in rehab and the whole world is falling apart but I can’t talk to him about that rn.
I can’t get a Dr to take me seriously when I ask questions about my labs. I’m scared!
The dismantling of democracy and much needed public services
I’m Canadian and I’m so afraid of the US right now
My boss is making my job miserable
Having healthcare
That my newborn baby is going to get measles because he’s too young to get vaccinated
Scared I won’t fit in at the elite university of my dreams I just committed to.
The state of this country.
I have to fly a few times over the next month and I’m worried about the plane crashing.
I quit my toxic job but now I can’t find a new one and it’s been over a month
So much fear for trans people and the undocumented, and arrests for practicing free speech.
Hubby is taking his citizenship and the lawyer ran away. We don’t have access to his process and now we are in a pickle cuz immigration won’t pick up the phone and we can’t go there unannounced.
All my tests are coming back healhty but I’ve had a migraine for 260 days in a row - 0 answer.
I have fallen out of love with my partner but neither of us can afford to move out
I’m a social worker who worries I won’t be able to help people for very much longer
Will my queer family be safe?
I need to get a higher paying but but I might need a BA degree. Idk what to study or what will be profitable.
Am I doing enough?
Everyone around me is pretending to like me and I have no real friends.
Currently living paycheck to Monday. Impatiently waiting to hear back from a potential job.
I’m worried me and my boyfriend are destined to break up.
Non viable pregnancy at 7 weeks, scared we won’t ever have a baby.
My husband will leave me if I don’t start working again or have a second baby.

Okay, so:

I don’t have helpful advice for even a fraction of these things. Things feel really dark right now and I’m scared too. But fear thrives in isolation, and I hope you’ll find a small bit of comfort in seeing yourself reflected in others here. Many of us are feeling powerless, but that means that there are many of us. We can share the weight of it all.