✨Okay, So...✨
My new advice column is here!
Welcome to my new advice column, Okay, So…! Always thoughtful, sometimes funny, never judgmental. This definitely isn’t a tough-love type of column, and I’m not going boss you around (I mean, maybe occasionally). I definitely don’t have all the answers, but man do I love to solve problems that aren’t mine.
I want to talk about: big & small feelings, your pettiest dramas, relationships of all kinds, the general messiness and complexity of being alive, and whatever else you want to talk about.
You can expect: long and short answers, practice conversations, strong opinions about how no one should ever be mean to you. I’m thinking of it as an extension of Secrets & Sparkles. Submit your advice requests here!
My qualifications, from my friends and family:
Becca is a natural listener and the rare kind of person who can give you advice that leads to you feeling heard and loved without judgement. After talking to her about whatever’s on your mind, you’ll be empowered and relieved, and ready to take the next steps!
- My sister
You like to tell me that you’re always right, and even though I’ve resisted at times, I’ve grown to recognize that it’s (mostly) true.
-My husband
I literally never feel weird telling you weird things.
-My friend
Here we go!
Dear Becca:
I’m wondering what you think about the complicated dynamics of close, chosen-family-type friendships and long-term romantic partnerships. Boundaries around when and if and whether it’s a good idea to have your partner integrated into your social circle, or smaller-scale things like is your bestie independently friends with your partner and what does that look like, and navigating feelings of jealousy or vulnerability along the way, it all feels really overwhelming and confusing for me.
In the past, many years ago, I wasn’t intentional about any of that, and had an extremely painful situation occur where a lifelong friend had formed an independent, very close friendship with an ex-partner of mine while we were still dating; they remain close now whereas we no longer are. There’s a part of me that wants everyone to love everyone and it all shakes out however it will, and there’s a part of me that feels very protective of the bubble of my hard-fought and finally found (after years of searching) romantic relationship, and of my precious lifelong friendships.
I know some people deal with loved ones not getting along, but this question is about when everyone already gets along, how do you preserve or integrate or some middle ground of the two, all of the precious dynamics you’ve spent so much time building and are so invested in? Thanks for your insight.
Okay, so:
I’m really glad you submitted this. Particularly from the angle of “what do I do if everyone gets along?”. There’s way more scripts for what to do with conflict than what to do if everyone likes each other. You’re so thoughtful about these dynamics, and it’s clear that you want to find ways to make the moving pieces work. You explained this tension so well - when you want to want everyone to be close, but know that the reality of it might make your life harder.
Thank you for sharing the situation that happened with your close friend and ex-partner - that must have been very painful and confusing. Integrating your relationship with someone you love with your relationship with someone else you love can come with a lot of fear and uncertainty. Especially given this prior experience. I want to validate that it’s OK to feel protective of each of your relationships, and yourself. It’s OK to want boundaries that work for you, and I’m proud of you for recognizing what you need.
In my opinion, there’s no “correct” path here - whether you decide to preserve, integrate, or a combination of the two, it’s only about what works for you and your relationships, not what it looks like to anyone else. And the options are endlessly customizable. You don’t have to invite all of your friends to your partner’s birthday. There’s nothing wrong with expecting your romantic relationship to center the two of you.
How would it feel to say something like, “I’m really happy about my relationship with ___, but honestly I’m feeling freaked out about losing what we have here” to your chosen family members? How would it feel to tell your partner directly, “Have I told you about this situation that happened to me before? It was really awful, and even though it happened a long time ago sometimes it makes me worry about losing you”. How do you imagine they might respond? Remember: they want to make you feel comfortable. They want to support you.
If something isn’t working for you, you can adjust. Whatever strategies you decide to try right now don’t have to be your forever options.
psst, you can listen to me read my answers here:
This one is a double!
Dear Becca:
I need advice on whether to have kids in our world today considering the political landscape and future (far right, religious ideas and values being pushed on us, possibility of nationwide abortion bans, and climate change worsening.
I still want to have kids so, so badly despite the mess of the world. I feel so selfish and also deeply resentful of those who make this choice with ease (& ignorance).
Okay, so:
You are very much not alone in this - it’s one of the most brought up topics in secrets & sparkles lately! These are all real and valid fears, and I’m really sorry that you don’t get to just want this, without complication. Instead of simply focusing on building the family you envision, you’re grappling with whether it’s right or fair. First, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have kids (or not!), you don’t have to feel bad about it. And I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to even look at this hellscape in the face and ask these questions. Whatever you decide, it’s clear that you would parent with care and awareness, and that’s really beautiful to me.
I have a one year old, and sometimes I’m deeply scared for her. I don’t mean to downplay the intense scariness of this time in particular, but I think fearing for the wellbeing of your kids (and the world at large) is largely unavoidable. I’m realizing that there’s actually very little in her life I’ll be able to control, so what I’m trying personally to do is give her a (very, extremely, princess-quality) soft place to land - in her relationship with me, our family, and our community.
Reproductive justice is about the right to parent or not, with safety and support. If you want to have kids, I want you to be able to do so. We’re here, committed to making this a less shitty and safer place to be, regardless of the political landscape.
No matter what happens, you don’t owe the world your unhappiness.
Dear Becca:
I’m in love with a partner for the first time! Not scared to tell him, but when do I do it? Eek 🥰.
Okay, so:
I love this. I’m so happy to hear that you’re in love, but I’m also really happy to hear that you’re not afraid to share it. What a beautiful thing.
I have a few ideas:
- Put a note on the bedside table so it’s one of the first things he sees waking up
- Tell him while sharing an ice cream cone
- Spell it out in the snow, prom style
- Say “Hey, I just want you to know that I love you so much” when you next feel a wave of love, whenever that is.
- Re-enact this:
A Few Things to Know
- You can anonymously send me your worries, uncertainties, annoyances, dilemmas, etc at this link!
- I’d love your feedback - are there particular categories you’re interested in? Would you prefer one question with a very in-depth answer or multiple shorter ones?
- I’m planning to publish one of these every two weeks
- I’m so excited about Okay, So… and want to make it something I can keep doing for a long time. If you want full access to all advice columns (and a way to make sure this keeps existing), consider signing up as a paid subscriber!
Love,
Becca
