"I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m worried I never will"

and other selected secrets/sparkles

Mar 30, 2023

remember, in this context:

secrets are the shadowy things that we want to share but might be tempted to hide because of shame/fear/social obligations.
sparkles are the things that make you feel most alive - little moments of joy/satisfaction/contentment that you wish you could bottle up.

click here to submit your own secrets/sparkles anonymously anytime.

loosely defined themes of the week: career doubts, loving people you love’s babies, heartache

secrets

short & sweet/salty:

I missed getting tickets for an event that we booked an entire trip around and then spent getting them from a reseller without telling my partner.
I might put my morals up for sale and work for an evil corporation because they're making an offer too good to pass up. Like 50% more what I'm being paid now.
I feel like a complete failure at my career. All my friends are doing really well for themselves and I’m just falling further and further behind.

My 23 yr old had an abortion; I’m proud that she was strong enough to talk to me about it first and strong enough to make this decision for her self.
Scared my second career choice will be a mistake like the first. So much money & time invested. Fear of failure & that I haven’t/will never make something of my life.
9 years sober, but wish I could drink again. And that’s very rare for me.
I have terrible anxiety about my masters presentation but people don’t get it because I’m outgoing.

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep from telling my coworker that I adore her.
I just had a stillbirth.

I am so, so very sorry to read this. I’ll be thinking about you all day.

My social anxiety has gotten so bad that I’d rather just never talk to anyone ever again.
I’m pretty sure my dad’s alcoholism got passed on to me, and that’s absolutely terrifying.
I’m still not doing well after my grandma died 6.5 years ago, crying whenever I talk about it.
I’m sick of the “you’ll find your person when you least expect it” attitude.
Sometimes I get an urge to kiss one of me and husband’s close friends. She’s just so cute.
I don’t know how I’ve made it this far in my career. Don’t feel like I’ve earned my promotions.

This is just something your brain is telling you, it doesn’t mean it’s true <3

I’m in the process of understanding I don’t really love my mother and it kinda hurts.
I think I’m still in love with my friend I haven’t seen in 3 years
I’m a single mom and having a hard time asking for help.
Every day I wanna quit my job but I can’t afford to quit. I’m living in misery til I find a new one.

I’m dealing with SERIOUS health issues & NO ONE in my fam understand my illnesses.
My partner & I are starting couples therapy this week and I’m really nervous (even though I love therapy)
My chlamydia test was positive and I’m scared to tell my past partners.
I gave birth to my second child 10 days ago and feel like I’ve ruined my life.
I don’t think I’m going to finish graduate school and I feel ashamed
I rlly feel like this guy & we’ve been talking for like a year & I don’t wanna be in a situationship.

I want to brea up with my bf I don’t miss. Sib says to wait after end of semester stress rush and see.
I’m so heartbroken and I know my ex doesn’t care anymore already and I’ll never get over it.

Ugh, I know this is one of the hardest feelings and I’m sending you so much love! This happened to me 7 years ago and despite my absolute conviction that I wouldn’t, I did move forward.

Bestie’s abusive father started a fight w me & I’ve never been so ready to yell at a man.
I feel like my career and family goals are opposing.
Was asked to be my sister’s bridesmaid. I don’t want to, don’t have the capacity/resources.
My vet thinks our dog has puppy Alzheimers and I am not okay.
I don’t really ever want to get married but I want someone to financially support me.
I miss being unemployed, not the financial stress, but the freedom.
My husband is really good at making me feel guilty.
I ‘m terrified my partner’s mental health will never level out or feel manageable.
I’m having sex with a friend and it upgraded our friendship.
My mentors/work friends were just laid off, I feel guilty bc I don’t know why they chose to keep my instead.
I spend too much money on weed.
I think I’m bisexual and absolutely terrified to try and discover myself truly. without me all the time and idk how to confront them. I
I’m supposed to move across the country in 3 months but I’m finally making friends here.
I’m worried I’m never going to experience a serious long term romantic relationship.

I’m scared I’ll never graduate and I’ve wasted all this energy and money for nothing.
If my husband shed hair this much when we were dating I would have dumped him.
Left teaching & am so much happier, but took a 20k pay cut. Now struggling to make it by.
I don’t know if I’m a woman, non binary, or something in between.
My beloved German Shepherd died and I’m worried my heart will harden as I’m alone again.
I’m hoping everyone else will forget about the leftover cake in the fridge so I can eat it.
I am so overwhelmed trying to get my start in the admin job world. I’m never enough for em.

I mentally broke up with/am going LC with my in laws. My peace is no longer negotiable.
I want to quit my job when my maternity leave is over.
Pregnant again after a miscarriage. Scared but hopeful.
I kissed my classmate and I feel like a high schooler again in all the best ways.
My brother started seeing my step brother’s ex but I’m also in love with her.

This is so multi-layered!!!

I’m afraid I will never get peace because of my emotionally abusive childhood.
Tomorrow’s my first therapy session & no one knows cause I play happy all the time.
A family member estranged themself from me. I’m relieved.
I’m moving out this week with my bf but I’m so scared that we might not afford it one month.
My grandpa died and I’m not sad. He was a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot.
I liked the attention I was getting from ex-fwb’s friend.
Mum (we don’t talk) didn’t tell me my grandpa died; I found out from my aunt.
I got a new job. Debating just quitting and giving no notice.

I’ve changed my mind about wanting kids, I’m 40, the thought is exhausting.
I love my first cat more than my second cat and that will never change (she is my baby).
I think my girlfriend likes her friends more than me, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I want to get fired.
I miss when my friends didn’t all have kids and could hang out more.
I am genuinely afraid to leave my house.
I’m afraid of not being good enough at my job even though I’m new at it.
I resent my parents for making me take care of them. I didn’t sign up to be a carer/maid at birth.
The pandemic altered my life for the worse and I’m afraid I might never be happy again.
I’m not ready yet. But I worry if I wait too long we’ll never be able to have kids.
I don’t know how to break up with my boyfriend.
My husband cheated on me and I have no clue what to do.
Have been without and searching for a job for almost a year. I feel worthless.
At 29 I kissed a woman for the first time and I can’t stop thinking about her.
I’m starting a blog.
I got a DUI. I’m so ashamed/terrified what it will do to my existing depression & self worth.
Never been so tempted to have sex with someone from my past (best I ever had), now married.

long-form:

Had an affair with my 8yrs-my-junior-first-time-acid dealer after telling my husband I’ve been unhappy in our toxic, loveless marriage for 3 yrs & no effort for him. Wake-up call time baby!
I kicked my husband out because he won’t deal with his alcoholism and he is living in his car and won’t call anyone for help or seek treatment and it is making me very sad.

sparkles

short & sweet:

I have chronic physical and mental illness and I have never felt so cared for, understood, and seen by my partner. It makes it all so much easier and I love him all the more for that.
First kiss in a new romance in the rain after a date in a jazz lounge with NA cocktails.

I finally found real love at 37 and I’m so happy!
My baby and I love each other so much and get to snuggle all day.

This is so, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us!

My transfer application for university programs got accepted!
I have a first date this weekend :)
Spending the next week with my two besets friends, heart is so full.
I am slowly feeling more connected and comfy and ready to explore in my new city.
I think I’m learning to love again.
Visiting my four year old niece and her jump into my arms even tho she’s not a hugger usually.
I got into my dream university program yesterday!!
I dared to have a dream after 3 years of a depressive bout.
I am finally doing work I find meaningful and getting such encouraging feedback.
It’s my birthday!
4 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage and an abortion. SO happy (and scared)
Went on a walk with my crush and it was really niceee
I started a new job and got my first office to myself. No more sharing!
Spend last night catching up with a friend for 3 hours <3
My friends baby (who I watched be born) now says my name.
My cat started napping on my lap recently and it’s nice.
I am having a self-care night.
New dog is coming Saturday :)
I’m moving to a new city 6 months after a huge breakup. Yay for independence!!!
I started exercising again and am slow and clumsy but feel good.
Opening a business all my own next month!!
Catching a glimpse of the blooming cherry blossoms on my drive home this evening.
Got my Fallopian tubes removed today! Feeling great physically and spiritually!
Just got my first tattoo! It’s a memorial piece for my dad and it’s absolutely gorgeous.
We bought a total fixer upper in our dream town and dream neighborhood.
My bf blowing kisses in the driveway while I blew them back from the kitchen window.
A pre-K student in my office gave me a huge and told me he liked my cactus key chain today.
I got engaged on Monday!!
Next week I’m going on my second solo-travel ever! Discovering Ireland by myself.
My friends are getting married this weekend and I haven’t seen them in years <3
Puppy part at work = complete joy
I passed my comprehensive exam defense today! Officially a PhD candidate.

This is huge!!! I’m so proud!!

Said my piece and was BRAVE about my feelings in a convo with my ex!!! Go me!!!!

Go you <3 <3 <3

I got a job with the Oregon dept. of fish and wildlife.
Gave birth 2 weeks ago and this postpartum is so much more joyful than baby #1
My friend told me she *likes* me and I like her too
I have not drank for 4 days!

Paid off my student loans yesterday, can’t even describe how surreal it feels.
Met my friend’s toddler for the first time! I don’t usually like kids but I love this little guy.
Been getting a lot of job interviews, wish me luck.

Good luck!! Sending you good vibes.

One of my grad advisors said such nice things about me to my parents, I feel so validated.
It’s my weekend!
I got an internship in my field!
I got a promotion that I deserved and really wanted and I think I’m going to be great at.
I wrote a book and people are actually buying it!
I am picking up my foster-to-adopt puppy on Saturday!!
I got into a summer research program that keeps me out of the house for free and pays 4k.
My partner and my very best friend are the same person :)
I’ve started hiking the PCT!
I’m 39 and have never felt more powerful or more genuinely myself.