"I spent the day building forts with a 5yo and it was a delight."

and other selected secrets/sparkles

Jun 08, 2023

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remember, in this context:

secrets are the shadowy things that we want to share but might be tempted to hide because of shame/fear/social obligations.
sparkles are the things that make you feel most alive - little moments of joy/satisfaction/contentment that you wish you could bottle up.

click here to submit your own secrets/sparkles anonymously anytime.

loosely defined themes of the week: alone time, pets <3, not getting what we deserve

secrets

short & sweet/salty:

Nobody at my work seems to care whether or not I’m actually working most of the time.
my partner & I will likely have to extend our timeline for starting a family bc I just had to take out a ton of loans to finish school. nearly &90K
my dad has always been an asshole and since his cancer diagnosis a few years ago he’s gotten to be so hateful and mean and i am ready for him to die.
Found out my ex has a new gf and I hate it. I wish they were miserable, which is awful I know.
I’m into my ex-fwb’s friend. We have the same friend group and he’s noted interest in me before.
My mom’s anxiety causes her to overstep in my + all my siblings lives + it’s driving me nuts.
I have a big gay crush on one of my best friends and I’m scared to tell her.
Working is so hard.
I friend zoned this guy and have no feelings for him but seeing him with his new girl still hurts.
I have a crush on a boy of my college class, but I’m 4 years older.
I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend and now I’m sad about it.
I’m divorced and I said never again. Now I’m so in love with my boyfriend, I wanna marry him <3.
I can’t stop thinking about my ex from college lately.
I am in my single-I-have-a-crush-on-Rainn-Wilson era and I am happy.
I think I’m in love with someone who lives 1077 miles away from me.
I worry I won’t find a partner.
I think my best friend’s husband is an ass and she should divorce him.
I had a traumatic experience this spring and I’m scared it’s scarred me for good.
My social anxiety is making it SO hard to be the mom my extraverted child needs.
I don’t think I’m ever going to finish my thesis.
My dad said some hurtful words to me yesterday and I have been processing it since.
I found my ex’s profile on Hinge and sobbed all afternoon. He “didn’t have time to date.”
I got my first boudoir photoshoot done today and it was so fun.
Annoyed that my partner doesn’t have to go through morning sickness like me.
My partner and I talked about being open but now I’m not sure I want that anymore…
I started using a mobility aid and I feel 1000x better but also embarrassed.
My best friend is pregnant and I learned about it from her bf on social media, kinda weird no?
I’ve been sick so long I don’t even know what to make of my life now that I’m getting better.
Dunno if I’m falling for him or if he is just a man showing genuine interest in me.
I know a casual relationship doesn’t fit with where I am in my faith right now butistillwantit.
I finally realized I’m bi/pan (now need to figure out which is more me).
I had to put my dog down this weekend and even though we expected it it hurts so much.
So tired of helping care for my sick, old in-laws & wish they’d just die already.
My partner is newly diagnosed neurodivergent. I am exhausted and worn out.
I’m experiencing adult trauma from my parents and wow it hurts so much.
I still feel bad for ghosting that guy on Tinder when I really wasn't ready for dating apps to begin with.
My boyfriend and I are trying anal and I love it.
I applied to two jobs!!! My first applications in 6 months post-graduation. So proud of myself.
I accidentally stole from Walmart at self checkout…I don’t feel guilty about it.
I second guess every move I make and I want to stop that. I want to be kinder to myself.
I think I could be pregnant and it’s all I want right now and I’m terrified that it’s not real.
I schedule flights for people to access abortions and gender affirming care.
I’m finally able to admit we’re heading to no contact with my sister after an incident this week.
My mum makes me feel guilty about absolutely everything. I hate living with her.
I’m trying to healthily and lovingly lose baby weight but I’m fighting my ED hard.
Had a weekend with my parents and partner and I feel shame that I just want to be alone.
I feel like I’m not the “right” kind of person for this world.
My first real job after college starts tomorrow and I’m scared.
I moved away from my home so that I don’t have to tell my mom she can’t be alone with my kids.
I saw my ex and his new girlfriend at a wedding I was working and he ignored me.
I don’t want no scrubs.
I miss my parents but I also think their religious group is escalating into a cult.
I’m terrified that the chronic pain I already have is indicative of something worse.
I’m gonna tell the guy I’m seeing I’m in love with him. So nervous.
I just got laid off and feel like a failure.
My brother is emotionally abusive and has anger issues. I want to help him but can’t.
Finally deleted my ex’s number but I still love him.
My chronic illness is becoming debilitating and I can’t talk to anyone about it.
My friend is due soon and she keeps asking if we’ll have kids together. She doesn’t know I can’t.
I’ve been avoiding my parents because they can’t accept my transness and I’m too mentally exhausted to try.
My boyfriend keeps saying a racist slur but if I break up with him, I will literally be homeless.
(Accidentally) went off birth control for the last month - I feel so at peace these days.
Still going out with the guy who recently broke my heart just to have sex.
I wish my partner was better at holding boundaries against his infantalizing parents.
I just took a pregnancy test & it’s positive!!
Baby shower next weekend. Excited to be an aunt, terrified to be around family again.
My dad’s new wife drives me crazy. She’s so annoying.
I want to quit nicotine but I’m scared of who I might become trying to go without it.
I’m so sick of the cult of busyness.
Dating is awful these days.
Having first real body image issues - at 35.
My mum had a heart attack this week and is fine now but I’m still so desperately sad.
Parents are retiring (!). Their disorganization about their future is making me so anxious.
Lost my job and I don’t ever want to work again.
I’m meeting a therapist for the first time soon & I’m excited but nervous.
Also had to put my pup down this past week. Heartbreaking.
My partner is out of town this wknd and I’m having the best time. I <3 him but <3 alone time.
I think my mom hates me.
I want to swim this summer but am scared to try on my swimsuit after gaining weight.
My partner is moving abroad for two years for research and I’m afraid he will forget about me.
I am REALLY upset + angry with one of my besties, and I don’t know to say so to her.
We have to return our recent rescue dog due to conflict with our existing animals and I’m heartbroken.
Being the breastfeeding parent can be really lonely.
I’m thinking about texting my ex even though I’ve ignored him so diligently for the past 18mos.
I always wonder why home doesn’t feel like home - and it makes me sad.
I have a problem with constantly spending money.
I’m tired of being the default parent & I feel like I can’t complain since my husband makes more money.
My job at Harvard is ending on Friday I am thrilled. So much entitlement and grossness.
Idk what would be worse rn…if I get to keep my job or I don’t.
I’m scared.
I took my first pregnancy test this week. It was terrifying.
I start a new job tomorrow and have major imposter syndrome going.
I moved out of state & wish my friends showed more interest in visiting me. It hurts a lot.
I got fired 3+ years ago and I still don’t feel like I’m worthy of a job.
New healthcare worker and I’m already overwhelmed by how broken the system is.
Feeling lonely this pride month in a new city with no queer friends to celebrate with.
Caught between loving being a SAHM and longing for more for myself.
My internship is making me want to completely change the field of law I wanna work in.
My family doesn’t take my agoraphobia seriously.
So ready for a change and also feeling my resistance to change.
I love smoking cigarettes and know I should quit, but I just don’t want to.
I bought a wedding dress today!
I perform abortion procedures and love the work.
I hate my corporate job and I fear I am never going to truly find what I love.
I’m not completely over my ex. It’s been a year. Wondering when it will get better.
Finding it very hard to like my body even a little bit.
I’ve been sleeping with my boss for over a year, I need to stop but can’t.
I’m 24 and have never been kissed/had a real relationship and I’m scared I never will.
I would never cheat because my bf is the sweetest but girl do I want to.
I honestly don’t love my family anymore because of all of the abuse but I feel so guilty about it.
I got dumped and I don’t know what to do with myself now.
I haven’t worked in 3 years and I’m 24, in college, and still living at home.
Just got rejected and it hurts.
I’ve been secretly seeing my ex and doing really poorly at my job. I feel like a failure.
I finally got my dream job. I hate it and idk how much longer I can take it.
I’m leaving my workplace from when I was 16 to a new job in a new city and I’m excited but sad.
I can’t stand how much weed my bf smokes.
I’m 1 year out from leaving an abusive ex and he’s been dating someone for 11 months.
I’m in love with my best friend and can’t tell him. We are on a vacation together right now.
I’m so scared of my future that I fuck up my present.
I think my boyfriend might be a misogynist and I don’t know what to do about it.
I miss my ex husband even tho I left him cause he was abusive.
I spent 2 hours hate cleaning while my partner napped. I woke him up and told him to work. No regrets.
My straight friends have been to pride so many times and I’ve never been ://
I just started reading Eat Pray Love and can see it becoming my entire personality soon.
My partner has so much anxiety that it has taken over my life.
I like my roommates as people but I hate them as roommates.
I broke up with my partner of 2.5 years and feel so much relief.
I’m still taking covid precautions and it makes me feel so lonely. I feel abandoned by the world.
I’m working hard to go see a sick grandparent that I’m not even sure I love.
I might be offered a full time job soon and I’m so scared I’ll jinx it.
My fam can’t make time for my 2 yo’s bday and I’m ready to stop trying with them once + for all.
My husband and I are out of work and hoping Lyft will keep us afloat.
I’m planning to quit my teaching job already and I only started a week ago.
I check on my exs even though I’m in a committed relationship.
I’m handing my notice in tomorrow and it’s making me panic so much.
I’m just now realizing I’m a victim of domestic violence & scared to go to the police.
Neighbors’ apartment was raided by SWAT and I can’t stop thinking about the # of guns brought.
We’ve been together for 5 months, I hope to marry this one.
I really wish my parents were alive to help me, but I know if they were they’d still be useless.
My foot hurts even tho it should be healed.
I might have humiliation kink.
Started anti-anxiety meds and I already feel better but I don’t think I’m gonna tell my mom.
I’m tired of continuing to fight the same battle and expecting different results.
I’m considering sperm donation to have a baby on my own, but I’m embarrassed that it’s come to this.
I want to back out of my sister’s wedding but I know telling her will really end our relationship.
I miss my ex so much but my family don’t like him at all after what he did. I’m so torn.
The guy I <3 can’t do a relationship after he lost his mom & brother. I’m heartbroken.
I feel pressured to be close to my abusive brother. I don’t know if I’ll ever not be scared.
Self dx myself w autism last week. Is v scary - want to share w ppl but afraid of being judged.

long-form:

fell in love with a past addict / just learned he's relapsed twice since we've "been together" / scared of what this means for me. my life is falling apart in every way imaginable / I have so much shame about moving to a different state with my partner and thinking I was growing up and up in an adult way / thought opening my relationship was the way to go / but really my relationship was just struggling and this didn't help it / I can't be happy with good enough and mess up everything in my life and as a result I'm going to have to live alone / be financially strained / am facing greater issues than I've ever had just in attempts to find happiness
Although I ended my 'situationship' in March (and the last time I saw him was February), I still miss him. Some days are better than others, though I think I finally realized I'll never get what I want, emotionally speaking, from him. It's a relief, and yet...I still want to see him.
I’m worried that I’m becoming a burden on my own relationship. It’s the only part of my life that doesn’t feel like a struggle right now, but I worry that my (incredible) partner is going to get tired of dealing with all of my mental health stressors. We’re great communicators and logically, I know we could work through it. But my anxiety and depressive phase are convincing me otherwise.

sparkles

short & sweet:

I started ADHD medication today, and it's already making such a difference. I am so grateful my doc encouraged me to get assessed. I feel such relief.
I came out to my mom and she was so loving. Happy Pride Month to me!
My chihuahua turned 18 today! So grateful for the 18 years we’ve had so far <3
I finally bought new swimsuits that actually fit me and I’m so happy.
I’m acing my theology class!
Got to see our rainbow baby via ultrasound this week for the first time.
Going to the watch the new Little Mermaid tonight with my mum, sister, & niece!
After seeing my ex on hinge last week, had a great 1st date with a lovely 1st kiss. It will be ok.
I went on a second date last night and had a first kiss.
My relationship with my mom and sister is getting better and better.
My best friend flew in for my birthday weekend.
Teacher here! Finished my last day. Summer is finally here!
Screaming your favorite Taylor Swift song with Taylor Swift.
I am so loved and cherished and supported by my gorgeous partner.
My roommate’s dog greeting me when I get home from work.
I made myself breakfast and went on a walk today. Little wins.
I got a call back about a cat that I put an application in to adopt!!!
First 8 hour work day in YEARS (thanks, PTSD). I feel good!? Tired, fried, but accomplished. Good.
Really enjoying my new job after serious burnout from the last one.
I have 1.5 more work days until my summer vacation.
Boyfriend went to Australia, send me a postcard the day he landed. Got it the day after he returned.
I’ve been reading for fun again lately and it feels like when I was a kid.
I love my daughter so fiercely and that makes me feel really strong and proud.
I SENT IN MY FINAL MANUSCRIPT TODAY!!!
Hubby and I are looking for our first home. We can barely afford it, but it’s exciting to look.
Felt shitty so I listened to my body and took a mental health day <3.
My little sister gets to graduate this year!
The twenty week anatomy ultrasound came back great! Such a relief after my firstborn passed…
My sister is getting a cat! Yes, I’ve already started spoiling my niece.
Starting my job as a behavioral therapist for autistic kiddos!
I decided to take the morning off after therapy and snuggle with my dog. I feel more grounded <3.
Had a really nice cup of coffee as a treat for cleaning my depression room finally.
Going to make an actually good dinner tonight w real ingredients cuz I deserve it!!!
Made my bf a layer cake and he said he’s starting to like his birthday again.
I had only baked Pessimistic & Disappointed until day. Enter, Delighted Yellow Cake!