"I feel like the antagonist in everyone else's love story"
and other selected secrets/sparkles
remember, in this context:
secrets are the shadowy things that we want to share but might be tempted to hide because of shame/fear/social obligations.
sparkles are the things that make you feel most alive - little moments of joy/satisfaction/contentment that you wish you could bottle up.
click here to submit your own secrets/sparkles anonymously anytime.
loosely defined themes of the week: new beginnings, overcoming our fears, burn out
secrets
short & sweet/salty:
I keep fantasizing about one of my partner’s friends.
I’m moving mountains to pay for a tattoo I want but I wouldn’t do the same for bills.
I’m jealous of all my friends having babies.
I hate working in my family business but if I don’t my mom will overwork herself to death.
Sibling has been having a psychotic episode and I’m so scared/heartbroken for them.
Since I gave birth I can’t endure my mother-in-law.
I'm 31 and I still can't accept that my mom is never going to be the parent I need.
Having scary tummy stuff but also scared to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong :(
I have big dating anxiety and it sucks.
I don’t like my new job.
I was in a school shooting lockdown threat last week (teacher). Scared to go back.
My mom made up an excuse to get out of seeing me when I was in town for work. It hurts.
Had my first ??!! dirty dream and it was my ex from a year ago and I feel lost all over again.
I lied to my adult daughter about something & now I don’t know how to apologize for it.
I’m letting the fear of driving get in the way of me being able to go places easily.
I haven’t had a relationship in 10 years and I feel like something is wrong with me.
I think I found my person even though we met on a dating app and have only had one date.
Started anti-anxiety meds and feel alive again - I’m afraid of being dependent on them though.
I am scared we will never get an offer accepted on a house.
Saw my ex’s mom for the first time since we broke up and I don’t think I can recover.
I think all my friends and the people around me secretly don’t like me.
I think Mae Martin is the hottest human alive.
I love Mae!!!!
I had the most sex of my life in March with a man in an open marriage and it was fire.
I saw my ex best friend today who completely ghosted me a yr ago and she ignored me.
I’m pregnant and I think I might regret it.
I started Lexapro this week for anxiety and I really really hope it helps.
I’m not pregnant but I’m so afraid to die from pregnancy in the future.
I thought things were finally going to be okay for a while, but something new/hard came up and I’m so TIRED.
I finally asked for help and reached out to an eating disorder recovery center.
I have had sex with over 20 different guys in the last 3 months.
Mom was just placed on kidney transplant list and I’m so scared but have to be strong oldest.
I am about to break up with my bf of 14 years and he has no clue.
I am struggling with my sexuality.
I want to fuck my boss.
My brother is destroying my mom’s mental health and I hate him for it.
I have so much imposter syndrome writing job applications, I keep putting them off over and over.
I”m almost done my degree but school is killing me. I don’t want to go back next semester.
I am a full time student who works full time and I am BURNT tf out.
I have a very painful bartholin cyst and I want to scream and cry all the time.
I’m so scared of commitment and it makes me sad.
It’s been 8 months since he died. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.
I feel incredibly disconnected to my family and career track and have zero ideas how to mend it.
I’m 7 wks pregnant & so anxious but excited for this much wanted bb.
CW: sexual assault. Still processing the fact that I was raped 3 months later. Feeling sad and angry.
I’m afraid that I’m going to slip into another depressive episode right before finals.
My husband cheated and I still love him.
14 weeks pregnant and I don’t want anyone outside our family to know.
I’m so touched out from my 2yo. I want to stop bf and start smoking again.
I’m afraid of being too much to handle for my partner.
Considering a career change after 15 years and it sucks.
It’s Pedro Pascal’s bday today and I want to celebrate.
We’re going into debt to save our dog’s life.
I have PTSD and I’m afraid my flashbacks make me unlovable.
My friend got back with the girl I told her I hate…it’s hard to watch.
Dating around post-breakup has been fun, but I just want my ex to come back.
I’m dreading my roommate’s returning from a weekend home & having to share space again.
I hooked up with my ex last night and it was great.
I feel like the dumbest person in my law school, even tho I know it can’t be true.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
My dad died and the expenses of it have left me in crippling debt.
My self esteem is getting bad again and idk what to do.
I love my partner but I regret taking his last name everyday. I miss being me.
My boyfriend doesn’t know quite how low my income is. I’m embarrassed to tell him.
I feel that everyone is moving ahead in life and I’m just stuck forever.
I think I met the perfect man for me but cannot make a move.
I don’t want to tell my in-laws that I’m pregnant.
Recently figured out I’m ace, it explains so much about my past relationships.
I’m scared I’ll never have a career and be broke forever.
I do so much for my mom and it’s never enough. I’m at my breaking point and feel guilty.
My best friend got a bf and I broke up with mine and I’m jealous and feel forgotten about.
I’ve really been faking it til I make it lately.
Me too, friend. Me too!
I just wanna feel better.
I have been neglecting taking a shower for a week +
Can’t afford a therapist and I would feel guilty spending money.
On vacation I fall asleep pretending I’m holding/spooning my dog.
I haven’t been feeling well for a while. Everyone says I’ll be okay, but I’m honestly worried.
My mom makes people’s lives so difficult. We don’t talk, but I’m darkly curious about what she’s up to.
My closest friends are all loved up and I’m just trying to navigate dating apps.
I’m dreading having a kid.
Stepkids have ruined special occasions for 3 years. Now I don’t even want to have my bday.
My mom’s best friend died and I don’t know how to console her.
One of my best friends told a mutual friend that they don’t enjoy spending time with me and idk how to respond.
I've always thought I was an exhibitionist, but been too scared to really do anything about it. I finally got the nerve to post topless photos online and it's making me so damn hot knowing so many people are looking.
long-form:
I went to a museum with someone I have a crush on. This is the first crush I've ever had on someone of the same gender as me. I've been lucky to grow into an environment where I wasn't afraid to share this with my friends; however, I swore off dating until I get to college. I keep wondering if hanging out at the museum was a date (she paid for my drink and everything and I can't remember having half as much fun kissing my ex; we were just talking and it was more fun). But I'm scared of getting too attached bc she might be going to college across the country and I would hate to do long-distance again or find out that she doesn't feel the same way.
sparkles
short & sweet:
At 37, I got into law school!
My cat’s name is Sparkle!
My partner is finally ready to start trying for a baby! I have been ready for 5 years. So happy :)
Divorcing my HS sweetheart hubs & had my first real date ever at the age of 37!
My daughter’s 4th word is our dog’s name and she’s so proud of herself.
First to get my master’s degree in my giant Latino family!
Vibe when ending arguments with partner rooted in “I wanna grow old w you, this is trivial” <3
I got two awesome chairs for free!!
Got a new apt in aug and tulips I didn’t know were int he yard just popped up! Best surprise!
My boss told me today I am his best employee.
Meditated in a bubble bath last night, top tier.
I got a work from home job after working out of home throughout the pandemic!
My daughter turned 2 and I think it’s a magic age.
Today I found out that a friend had an abortion too (like me) and she’s the first person I know in real life and I’m happy to have somebody to relate to this part of my story <3
Started accutane and feeling hopeful and confident!
Asked someone on a date for the first time and they said yes and they’re the most beautiful.
Bought some jeans that actually fit me instead of waiting to fit into my old ones.
The eaglets in my backyard hatched this week!
Finally got my baby to belly laugh after 6 & 1/2 months!
My seedlings are sprouting!
I signed up for volunteering and forgot how happy it made me. I haven’t been this happy in so long!
The lady at the local alternative clothing shop. She’s become my 2nd mom.
Taught a class today and people were very happy about it :)
Walked home from work in the sunshine today.
Making plans to go to my first ever ren faire.
I’m going on a date Sunday! The first in my adult life after a 25 year marriage.
My husband of 15 years and I are having the best sex of our lives.
Found out my sister’s pregnant again! So excited to be an aunt for the second time!
“Thank you for making me try new things so I can be healthy” - my 5 year old son <3
Brandon Johnson won the Chicago Mayoral election!!!!!!!
I get to see my best friend and her cats for the first time in 3 months next week!
Starting to feel more hopeful after my 2nd miscarriage 2 months ago.
I applied for my dream job and I am confident <3
So many pink blossom trees on my run today.
I’m getting 3 free meals at work over the next 2 days and very excited lol.
Getting back into therapy, which is a pretty big step for me.
Wisconsin just flipped the state Supreme Court to a progressive majority!!
I finally got an offer for the job I’ve been interviewing for for 3 months.
I slept 14 hours, reset, and had a better day than yesterday.
Had a hard conversation and it went well!!
I baked a perfect loaf of sourdough and made garlic confit for my grandma!
Renewed my library card.
My 8 month old crawling to me with so much excitement when I get home.
I deep cleaned my room today.
Genuine tail wagging rom my new rescue pup for the first time.
Client’s attorney complimented my report at yesterday’s meeting.
I felt wanted for the first time in awhile it felt absolutely amazing.
I’m moving to my dream city and my dream apartment.
Drove 45 min last night to decorate bff’s office for her bday today. She cried <3
Watching sunsets together with him. Being the one he turns to to make a bad day good.
I’m almost finished the first year of my (4 yr) nursing program!
The chirp my cat makes when they stretch while they’re asleep. <3
Friend gifted me Baking By Feel for my bday this week!!
secret/sparkle blend:
I’m so proud of the progress I’ve made on myself and focusing on the happy little things in the last three years of therapy. But now I’m watching my husband struggle to see the joy in the day to day after I’ve done all this work to see it myself, and it’s putting me in a really difficult place mentally.
xoxo,
your favorite becca
things that permanently live at the bottom of my posts:
Submit your secrets/sparkly moments here.
If you need help accessing abortion care, click here or here.
Grab a copy of my choose-your-own-adventure cookbook, Baking by Feel, here!